[OTA] Once Upon a Dream

[karatofquality]

Father's Day had seen Silas with his grandchildren, and paying visits to his other four 'children.' It had been a good day, if bittersweet.

Today, after the work day had ended, he'd gone to visit Isaac's grave site. Just over a year ago, he'd risen to King, and his son had been there to support him, to bring him tea and sit with him for a little while. Silent support, as always. His good boy.

He'd lost count of how many times he had told Isaac about the triplets, about the Suit, that he missed him.

But now he was standing in his favorite corridor, just reflecting on the last year. A lot had changed; a lot had remained the same. Even Silas wasn't the same man now that he'd been last year, but that wasn't a bad thing.

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[karatofquality]

This was a moment to seriously weigh his options. He could unload on someone who may not be prepared or equipped to catch what he was throwing at her, or he could hold it in and make the chasm between them even wider. The truth was that he missed Avery. They may not have ever been overly close, but he was almost certain that, once upon a time, they'd been able to sit down and actually talk. There was a time when he could talk to the people he cared about, rather than holding everything inside himself.

So he decided to take that step. It wouldn't be a total unload, but a little bit. Maybe enough for her to believe that he was trying.

"I don't remember what it feels like to be genuinely happy, Avery. I remember that I was, once, but I don't know if I can actually feel that anymore."

It was short, and it was simple, but there was so much pain and suffering in those two sentences. Surely, she could understand just a fraction of it. Just one ounce of what he had to lock away every single day.

What was worse than his acceptance that he couldn't be happy, though, was his fear that he'd be alone. That one day, his beautiful little angels would withdraw, as would the few that he still had, and he would be alone. No number of nights spent in hopeless prayer could save him from that.

[uncutclarity]

The chasm between them had erupted for a few different reasons. There were their positions, of course; where once Avery had been the Ten and Jack to Silas' Nine, she was now Ace, and Silas was King. And they were Diamonds; those positions meant that there would be a polite distance between them, a bit more formality. It made Avery sad that this was the way they were all indoctrinated to be.

But another part of the chasm was the loss and grief of the last year. Isaac, for both of them. Brennan for Silas, Sieben for her. And Wren and Tegan had left for London and Venice respectively - leaving Avery as the last girl of their teenage clique left. Addy had been a bruise on her heart since he'd left for that last tour in Afghanistan and come back a shattered man. All of it had left a hole in her heart, but what could she say? Isaac had left an even greater hole, but Silas had been unable and unwilling to speak about it, so she'd followed suit, burying down her grief for him the way she'd buried down her grief over Sieben.

She listened, leaning against the wall that faced the windows. Her expression was serious and sober. "Do you want to be happy again, Silas?" She asked. She knew he did, and that he was asking for help as much as he was able. "If you want to be happy," she added, looking away from him to gaze out at the gardens, "and you feel you can't be...perhaps you should think about talking to someone."

As alone as he might feel, he wasn't alone.

[karatofquality]

Emotion welled, and he pushed it down. Tears rose, but he forced them away because he knew that if they started now, they wouldn't stop for a very, very long time. He didn't have time for that right now, and he certainly didn't have the privacy for it.

"I don't even have to be happy," he said softly. "But a little closer to content than I have been since he was stolen would be nice."

Because that's what it was. Isaac didn't just die. He hadn't just gotten sick. He'd been stolen away from his family, from those who loved and needed him, for one reason or another. He'd been ripped away from Silas, and he hated feeling like this.

He hated this loneliness that permeated every aspect of his life. He hated that he'd pushed all of his friends away in his attempt to push away his guilt and grief. And he hated that this emotional prison was of his own construction.

"I don't know who to talk to," he said quietly. "I don't know where I can go that it won't somehow play into someone's attempt to undermine me, or the Diamonds, or the Deck as a whole." He didn't know who he could trust.

[uncutclarity]

"What you need, Silas, is a therapist." The words were blunt, but she kept her tone gentle. "If this is how you feel, it's beyond fixing yourself. There's no shame in that."

She was quiet for a moment, though, because she understood the complications. The Deck had trouble with psychologists - and while the Diamonds had Nicholas, there was something that had always bugged Avery about him.

"Lucas went Outside," she finally said. "For his post-traumatic stress disorder. You could find someone Outside, or even a grief counseling group. You wouldn't be able to talk about the Deck, of course, but you could talk about Isaac."

[karatofquality]

It stung that even she saw that he wasn't strong enough to deal with his own problems, but there was no way to deny that she was right. So he folded his hands behind his back, lifting his gaze and putting every ounce of strength that he had left into that singular action.

"I don't exactly have a direct line to every therapist on the planet. Do you have recommendations?" Because the thought of walking up to someone and asking for a referral to their therapist just sort of seemed...strange, if not rude.

[uncutclarity]

It struck her as being stronger to admit that you needed help. But she didn't have recommendations, not off the top of her head. "I don't," she admitted.

"But I imagine that you could get them from one of the psychologists on Deck. Milo or Gwen, in the Hearts, for instance. Or Nicholas might have recommendations."

[karatofquality]

With a sedate nod, Silas released a sigh. "I'll look into it tomorrow." Because, frankly, he was too exhausted to care tonight. He wanted dinner, a bottle of wine, a cigarette, and to sleep.

Of course, with all that was going on, just going to sleep wasn't a valid option, but he could try to put aside the stress for one night.

He caught her hand, offering a faint smile. "I miss you, Ava. I do. We'll have to find time soon."

"Go on to your meeting. I've held you up long enough." A beat, and then, "Thank you."

[uncutclarity]

She squeezed his hand lightly and smiled. "Take a night off, Silas," she said. "We all need to do that now and again."

Then she smoothed her french braided hair and nodded. "You're welcome," she said. "I'll see you in the morning."