[ota] join jack and the boys; be in a band

[diemwnt]

The world gets small. That's the worst part.

The period of probation is good, really. Being away from work, sitting in the solitude of house arrest, makes the loss of interest in the rest of the world less damaging. Lets him work his way around to a normal sleep schedule again; get through the sharper periods of nightmares and into the dull sort of sleep he lives with generally. Gives him time to work on the shakiness in his hands and the way he jumps at tiny noises, to refocus on what's immediately before him rather than letting his mind skitter everywhere.

But the world gets small. The world stays small even when, with a firm slap on the wrist, he's let back into his office. The future sits on the end of his desk, barely extending to the end of the week.

He barely notices he's gone out to the gardens. Barely realizes he's bummed an actual cigarette off one of the kitchen Threes and settled in for a proper smoke.

Fifteen months was a good run. And the world is so small. And yes, the smoke entering his lungs spikes the pain of each breath at first, but the nicotine hit--real, proper, after all these months--is more than worth it, in a world that surely isn't going to last more than through the rounding of the next few days.

He'll drop the cigarette if approached, of course. He'll even pretend it was on purpose, and not the shock of tension at the sudden sound of another human being.

Comments

[diemwnt]

Settling into knowing where--when--they are takes a moment. The exacting straightness bleeds a bit from his shoulders.

The slight tremble in his fingers doesn't quite fade. Taking out the phone doesn't hide it well.

I'm sorry.

Not just for flinching. Least of all for flinching.

[thecutdiamond]

"You don't need to apologize to me, Cadogan."

And she means it in the kindest of ways.

[diemwnt]

I do.

And really, she doesn't need to understand it. She doesn't need to think he ought to. That's not how penance works. It's not how confession is meant to be.

He doesn't know how to crawl out from guilt without apologizing.

[thecutdiamond]

She at least knows the difficulties of dealing with guilt, enough to know when one is trying to struggle out from it. Her nod is far more solemn, now.

"If you must, then-- I accept your apology."

[diemwnt]

The absolution of the priest he'd confessed to had been comforting. It had also felt incomplete.

He still feels incomplete with Rachel's forgiveness, but at least this is a familiar emptiness. It always takes longest to forgive yourself.

Thank you.

[thecutdiamond]

"Of course, Cadogan," Rachel says, "I-- understand how you must be feeling, about all this."

She doesn't know-- no one can ever really, entirely know. But she's got a better understanding than some.

He's not the only one here with blood on his hands.

[diemwnt]

She does understand. She doesn't know, not even the way other ex-Outside-military Cards did. She doesn't know, but she does understand.

His breath escapes a little ragged.

Why doesn't it ever get easier?

[thecutdiamond]

"Because life appears to be made of suffering," comes the initial, bitter reply, before she forces herself into a better line of thinking.

"But I feel in this case, the fact that it's still something that's difficult to deal with is something that keeps you-- grounded in your humanity."

[diemwnt]

Bitterness, at least, is something he understands. It makes enough of a connection to get him receptive to whatever it is that will come after.

The exhale was one more of bitterness than anything else, still.

That hardly seems fair.

[thecutdiamond]

"Life rarely is," she says with a thin smile in response.

"But would it truly be much better if you felt no remorse about this at all?"

[diemwnt]

There's a beat for that. There's a shuddering sort of breath.

It might be. I'm not so sure anymore.

The digging at his heart just kept getting deeper.

[thecutdiamond]

"Perhaps it'd be easier," she allows after a moment's contemplation, "But I'm not too certain about the 'better' part of it."

[diemwnt]

'Easier' and 'better' certainly weren't the same thing. It wasn't the easiest thing to admit to oneself. It did help, just a little, to hear it from someone respected as well.

Suppose there's no helping that.

[thecutdiamond]

"Not really, no."

And her hand carefully finds a way to his shoulder.

"But you have people here who will help you through it."

Sophie and Adrien and his mother, surely. Her own offer to assist hangs in the air, unspoken but very real.

[diemwnt]

She doesn't need to help him. Sophie and Adrien don't need to help him.

It's a little difficult to understand why they want to be, but it's easier to believe is real with a hand on his shoulder.

Thank you.

[thecutdiamond]

"You're welcome, Cadogan." A brief pat of his shoulder, before her hand drops away once more.

[diemwnt]

It makes it a little easier to breathe, having asked for forgiveness and come out with an offer of support. It's so much more than he expected.

You don't know how much it means.

[thecutdiamond]

"I've got a general idea," she says with a small smile, "I just hope it helps, even just a little bit."

Hopes, mostly that he'll take up the offer and not carry the burden of guilt quite so heavily.

[diemwnt]

It's a difficult thing to ask. But then, she'd always seemed to be someone who understood that difficulty.

There's still a shudder in his breath as he ducks his head.

Try.

But not promise.

[thecutdiamond]

"That's all we can ask."

And it's a start. There are many people who don't even try.

[diemwnt]

This, of course, is part of why he might never stop thinking of Rachel as his Queen. It was less to do, as his mother had once posited, with the fact that his relationship with the current Queen felt so rocky.

Much more to do with the fact that this one had been such a good one.

That's not true.

[thecutdiamond]

"No?"

And there's a familiar arch to her brow at that.

"I feel that expecting much more than an attempt out of anyone, in this case, can place unnecessary pressure on them to work through what they will on their own time."

There's no need to push.

[diemwnt]

Isn't that what it means to lead?

And he doesn't mean 'lead.' He means 'serve.

But she knows that.

[thecutdiamond]

Ah. That she does know, and concede his point.

"It is, and you will need to-- put your feelings aside when serving in your capacity as a Jack. But in the personal moments you do have--" However brief they may be, "--There's no need for you to put up the front."

Not among those who are concerned for his well-being.

[diemwnt]

It helps to hear it from someone else. Someone who understands. Someone who's lived at least part of what he has.

His eyes flick over her features for a moment. His fingers tap listlessly at the phone for a moment.

When are moments personal?