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[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

It was exactly three hours that she had been out there, that long hair was pulled up in a tight bun and the music played constantly as her body moved. Faster and faster, twirls, spins, leaps, and jumps. Escape the pain, forget about the emotional and bring on the physical pain that she could use by pushing herself to her body's limit until she finally collapsed and she could dream without memories. The trophies, perhaps, brought back those memories. They made her think of a time she would have much rather forget, memories of words that hurt, memories of physical pain that wasn't something she inflicted on herself through dance.

The music played and her body matched it's rhythm, the spins and twirls, the leaps and movements. Each thing as she pushed herself brought her closer and closer to letting her mind forget. Her eyes closed as she moved, she heard nothing but the music and the words that played in her head over and over again. She clenched one hand and released it as she slowed to a stop to take a drink of water and then began again as she changed the tempo.

Someday, she would escape the pain and forget all of it. She needed to forget. Her body began to shut down and she started to slide down but she forced her knees to hold and she began to dance once more as her mind replayed the words and tears squeezed out of her closed eyes as she danced. Escape, run, escape, dance, escape. She needed to escape the pain, she needed to forget, and yet, she could tell no one about what happened. She was who she was and that was the secret she could never tell.

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[spysinspades.livejournal.com]

David stood in the doorway as she danced, forcing herself further and faster and harder.

It reminded him of himself. And he hated that.

Had he done this to her? He shouldn't have brought the trophies back. They were too much.

He'd thought she'd've wanted them.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

David had not done it to her. No one had. There were times that the memories haunted her dreams and her mind needed occupation, her body needed the physical release that pain could bring. The trophies might trigger things, but this was...more than the trophies. This was something that would ride her only once in a while, the need to cause herself pain to forget.

It took sometime but eventually, she stopped. Her long hair had long since come down out of it's tightly wound bun and hung in a jumbled, disarrayed mess about her as she stopped and turned to look.

Her eyes landed on him almost instantly and she felt her legs slowly slip out from underneath her as she went almost boneless and hit the floor. At least, she landed on her butt. She smiled a little bit.

"Hi." What else could she say?

[spysinspades.livejournal.com]

A small quirk of his eyebrow at the fall, but he says nothing. Some days were... those kinds of days.

He went over to her, extending a hand to help her up from the floor. "Good morning."

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

She took his hand and eased herself back up as she forced her legs to stiffen and give herself some bone back into them again.

"How are you?" After a moment, she shoved her hair impatiently from her face and lifted her hand up as the hair tie came loose in it and shifted just enough to pull the sweaty hair off of her neck again.

[spysinspades.livejournal.com]

One arm slid rather insistently behind her back, supporting almost all of Cayden's weight as he led her over to a seat.

"I am as well as I ever am." The same answer as always - he'd never give a different one to those looking up to him. "And you, sweetling?"

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

She smiled a bit, her hands pressed against her legs as she lifted her towel to dry her face a little bit and tugged her hair tie out of her hair and slowly smoothed it out to pull it back into the bun it had been in previously.

Cayden hesitated a moment after she had sat down at his insistence, though it wasn't a verbal one. "I'm doing..well enough. Dreams and things." She waved them off of as if they were nothing, but considering the fact that she looked..tired and much of that exuberance was quieted and muted was evident that she was more bothered by it than she appeared to be.

[spysinspades.livejournal.com]

'Dreams and things' her kept David up for decades - they were not to be waved away without thought.

"I see." Which he did, sadly. He took a seat next to her, jacket bunching up as he spread his arms over the back of the bench. "I had those."

it was an offer - he would never tell her about what, but they were truth - something simple to be shared.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

She shifted a bit and made herself not lean into him, since she was sweaty and dirty and he...well, he wasn't. A faint smile touched her lips and she lifted one leg up to gently massage her calf.

"It just hurts sometimes, even now. Scars are hidden but sometimes people brush those scars, or too closely to them...and sometimes they flare up in memories."

Cayden rubbed her face, her head tilted off to one side after a moment or two. "I deal with it, in my own way. This is..the only way I can, really." Ignore the blisters on her toes, the fact that she hadn't danced like this in quite sometime.

[spysinspades.livejournal.com]

"It may fade with time." He couldn't promise that, with the way his past still haunted him. Wasn't that what they all said, though? t will heal with time.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

It took her a moment but she finally gave into one urge and leaned into him with her eyes shut. "I hope so. We'll see what happens though." She smiled a little more and sighed.

[spysinspades.livejournal.com]

His hand rested delicately on her shoulder when she leaned into him, and David was left wondering if she would end up much the way Eileen did - it seemed a likely case.

"I should likely encourage you toward faith of some sort." But it was be false encouragement, so why bother?

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

"I do have faith." Her voice was soft. "In you. And in my King. And in this place. But not all things hide memories and not all of the time can I pretend to not..hurt."

[spysinspades.livejournal.com]

"That is something, then." He smiled at her, oh-so-briefly. "Can you walk?"

[kindlybutle.livejournal.com]

Sean was impressed with the display. Impressed and Worried over the behavior. It was not healthy behavior.

He tended to let her be, when she danced. She had expressed a desire to be alone with her movements. She had been dancing for so long, today. A body couldn't take it. He would hate to see her hurt herself.

Which is why he appeared with a bottle of water - certain hers had run dry - and a towel for the sweat.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

She saw him, saw him as she twirled around for that final spin and she stopped dead. Her legs started to slip out from underneath her but she forced herself ramrod straight as she walked over to sit down on the bench. Her fingers moved down to her calves and she rubbed them absently.

"Hi, Sean." Her hair had long since come down, strands of it coming down to plaster against her face with the sweat and she took the water from him. A faint smile touched her lips, there and gone again as those green eyes held those haunted memories. "Thank you.."

[kindlybutle.livejournal.com]

"Hello, Miss Cayden." You don't look well. He'd never say that out loud. Instead, he gave her a Look. The Look that said he knew there was something wrong and she really should tell him but he'd never in his life pry.

But she should tell him.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

Telling people..that was hard. Explaining why she would let herself do so much harm to her body was worse. She took a sip of the water and looked at Sean, her eyes on his.

"Ever had..memories that ate away at you? That sometimes, it's better to feel a pain that you inflict on yourself rather than let the memories of the past eat away at you?"

Her eyes fell shut for a moment. "When I dance, I'm free. When I dance, I fly above it all. And away from it all. It doesn't hurt...as much."

[kindlybutle.livejournal.com]

No, he hadn't. Sean never lied, so his didn't say anything. He was sympathetic, though. Accepting the reality and necessity of it to her without completely agreeing.

Any disapproval left his bearing, as he produced a towel and handed it over.

She damaged herself, it left him to wonder. 'And if others did the same?"

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

She took the towel with a quiet smile and dried herself off a little bit, taking her hair down to pull it back up once more so it wasn't as messy as she took another drink of the water bottle.

"It isn't so bad, not really. I can..I can live with this easier than not sleeping. Eventually, I'll get to sleep and I won't dream, which will be a blessing."

[kindlybutle.livejournal.com]

There were other ways to work herself into exhaustion, but if this was the way she took, he wouldn't fault her.

"It is time to come in now." No an order, despite the way it lacked questioning inflection. A suggestion, an encouragement. Hopefully, a statement of fact.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

She smiled a little weakly before she stood up and took the water and the towel that he had brought her and made her way over to pack her things up.

"Yes, it is time to go in." She would sit..somewhere or possibly go to her room and go to sleep. Who knew? But walking hurt a bit and it was a good hurt, so she could live with it.

[kindlybutle.livejournal.com]

Sean didn't hover - it was unseemly to hover. He did walk at her elbow rather insistently, however, keeping an eye on her progress and being slightly Worried about the tinge of hurt in it.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

Each step was a challenge, it was something that reminded her everyday of what she went through. If she could beat this, she could beat the poison in her heart. And she could retain that mask that she had worn for so long. Yes, the enthuisastic girl was at the core of her, but it wasn't all of her and sooner or later, people would see that. But she wasn't inclined to let them see it too soon.

She smiled a bit and took another drink of water. "How is everything?

[kindlybutle.livejournal.com]

"Splendid, Miss Cayden. The tomatoes have started fruiting." Useless chit chat was all he could give her as distraction, but he at least was capable of that.

[dancerofhearts.livejournal.com]

"Tomatoes?" Her eyes lit up then, moving over to his face. "Can I help pick them when they're ready?"