[ota] join jack and the boys; be in a band

[diemwnt]

The world gets small. That's the worst part.

The period of probation is good, really. Being away from work, sitting in the solitude of house arrest, makes the loss of interest in the rest of the world less damaging. Lets him work his way around to a normal sleep schedule again; get through the sharper periods of nightmares and into the dull sort of sleep he lives with generally. Gives him time to work on the shakiness in his hands and the way he jumps at tiny noises, to refocus on what's immediately before him rather than letting his mind skitter everywhere.

But the world gets small. The world stays small even when, with a firm slap on the wrist, he's let back into his office. The future sits on the end of his desk, barely extending to the end of the week.

He barely notices he's gone out to the gardens. Barely realizes he's bummed an actual cigarette off one of the kitchen Threes and settled in for a proper smoke.

Fifteen months was a good run. And the world is so small. And yes, the smoke entering his lungs spikes the pain of each breath at first, but the nicotine hit--real, proper, after all these months--is more than worth it, in a world that surely isn't going to last more than through the rounding of the next few days.

He'll drop the cigarette if approached, of course. He'll even pretend it was on purpose, and not the shock of tension at the sudden sound of another human being.

Comments

[diemwnt]

There's something comforting about how entirely Adrien it is to be tugged forward like this--to be forced into contact and held where he has to listen. It keeps his breath from spiking even as his eyes drop shut.

He has to shake his head, though. In the moment, he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand how the world will keep turning beyond the end of the month. The week. The day.

[denythyfather]

His heart falls, because Cadogan is shaking his head, and Adrien has to say something, anything. "Listen to me, Cadogan," he starts again, desperately, "you have to walk Sophie down the aisle. You have to stand by my side when I say my vows. I swear to god, Cadogan," and his voice broke a little, "we'll get married when we're eighty if it means you can't end until then."

[diemwnt]

It takes a moment to get at the crux. It takes a moment to breathe in deep enough to open his eyes again, lift his hands between them in a condensed sort of speech.

/We don't always get to choose./

He would choose to see Sophie and Adrien turn 80. Would the world let him? He wasn't sure anymore.

[denythyfather]

"Then I'll make sure. Maybe we don't always get to choose, but I will tip the odds in your favor. Does that work?" Because Cadogan will not end before Adrien. It's impossible. He'll make sure of that.

[diemwnt]

It's kindness. Kindness is taking time to filter in through what's keeping him back from the world these last few days.

/You worry about you. Your daughter. Your fiancee./

[denythyfather]

/My best friend./ He pulls back enough to sign.

/There are only you three I care about. I can afford to worry about all of you./

[diemwnt]

It doesn't change everything. This isn't something that gets changed in a few heartbeats. Time needs to prove itself to Cadogan again--to show him by passing that it's still capable of moving the way he hopes it will.

But it's something, having Adrien here. It's something, having love wrap this fully around him.

And it's his head going to drop against the other man's shoulder for a moment to breathe deep.

[denythyfather]

Adrien can wrap his arms around him, lean his head against Cadogan's. After all, Adrien is there for Cadogan. No matter what.

"... Are you smoking again?" he asks hesitantly, after a few minutes have passed.

[diemwnt]

Breathing hurts, but it's a bit easier when he can do it here. Easier when Adrien's got him for a moment.

He takes a shallow breath before his shoulders lift. His head bobs in the direction of the fallen cigarette. Just this one, so far. It's a relapse, yes, but not one that's entirely unfixable.

[denythyfather]

"Okay. We'll figure this out now. Okay?" He raises a hand to Cadogan's cheek, making eye contact with him. "Whether or not we have a choice, we're going to keep mattering. Alright?"

[diemwnt]

Mattering he understands. The way his heart hurts when Adrien looks worried like this means mattering hasn't gone away.

But.

/It's just a cigarette./

[denythyfather]

Adrien nods a little, pulling back a little more to lift his hands and sign. /That's all it's going to be too. Just a cigarette./

[diemwnt]

/It was helping./

Although what exactly it was helping wasn't clear.

[denythyfather]

He hesitates, then sighs. /... if you need it, you need it. But we can help too./

[diemwnt]

There aren't words for this moment. There aren't words because yes, in some ways, Adrien and Sophie and Sitara and Tess and his mother help.

But in some ways they make it worse. In some ways, they feel like they hurt more than cigarettes.

[denythyfather]

Adrien hesitates at the lack of a response, then raises his hands again to make another attempt at getting through to the man. /Let’s go somewhere else? Away from here. Come on./

[diemwnt]

It isn't an automatic thing. It should be an automatic thing.

But it takes a beat. Takes a hesitation and a lifting of his hands to ask /Where?/ before his body starts to move to follow along.